I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
