I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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