i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.