I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How external is "for external use only"?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
