I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
