spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
