Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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