I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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