glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
