I love black thongs
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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