I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
