I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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