my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
