I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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