Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
