So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i think i just lost a toe
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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