What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My pussy is not your playground.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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