update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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