I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
