i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
