Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
