Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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