i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
