My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
