I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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