did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
