I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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