3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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