You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
