lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
