i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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