I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
