I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
