At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
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You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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