I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Randomize
