That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
