I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
