Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
