i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
