3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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