My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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