Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
