i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
