a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
