woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
