She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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