I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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