So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
