She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
