my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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