party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
