Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
