I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
