I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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