maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
