currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
This is classic penis vs brain.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
