So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Randomize
