How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
