Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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