Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
