I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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