I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
