i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
