Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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