Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
